Real men dance. Yes, that’s right, real men dance. But real men do not do jazz hands, the splits, the alligator, or the fucking Macarena. It is an embarrassment every time a member of the male sex attempts any of these ridiculous gyrations. A man should dance for the purpose a peacock spreads its beautiful wings; to attract the opposite sex. A simple look at some of history’s coolest men shows that there is a way to shred the rug with dignity and self-respect.

What turned Elvis in to Elvis, or Cruise into Cruise? Now, we’re not saying you should replicate their moves on the floor, but what you should replicate is their confidence. This is the biggest part of looking and feeling good, not only on the dance floor, but also in life. MJ could command the attention of millions, in a similar but totally different way than Fred Astaire decades before him. The thing to learn from them is to feel the music and move accordingly. Stay fluid, and never look like you’re simply repeating and “move” over and over.

It is best to find a girl and take her to the dance floor rather than trying to join a group of already dancing prey. The latter is certainly do-able and often is the only strategy available if numbers are slim, but the former is ideal if available. Once you have your partner, grab a firm hold of her waist and start a nice easy rocking motion while rising and lowering slightly to the music. Rotate bringing her closer and moving away from her to keep things somewhat interesting. If things go well she should spend half the time very, very close to you (your lips on her ear close) and half the time about four feet from you, and the waves move you together and apart. The times when you are together should involve some body friction as long as she’s on the level, and maybe a brush of your lips down the nape of her neck. Your habits and style on the dance floor will develop themselves with practice.

Now dancing in a club or at a party is one sweaty, alcohol-induced, fast-paced affair, but there is another form of the art that must be in your arsenal for when the occasion arises, and this skill separates a true gentlemen from the rest. The Waltz, especially the popular Box Step version, is incredibly easy to learn and if displayed at the proper time and location, will certainly charm a woman. Just look for a Waltz diagram for a simple illustration that will show you the basic steps. Just like the dancing described earlier, it is important to always remain loose and fluid, while staying in control. Guide your parter with your hands, gently pushing with your left and pulling her towards you slightly with your right.

Most people who won’t head to the dance floor won’t do so because they are afraid of looking like an idiot. What they don’t realize is that: a.) you look like an idiot standing on the side of the dance floor all night, and b.) if you were only confident and fluid, dancing would be a breeze. So get out there, find the rhythm, and cut it up a bit. Oh yeah, and a legitimate Moonwalk is worth an extra ten points.